Helicopter Parenting

What is a Helicopter Parent?

Helicopter parenting most often applies to parents who help high school or college-aged students with tasks they’re capable of doing alone (for instance, calling a professor about poor grades, arranging a class schedule, managing exercising habits). But really, helicopter parenting can apply at any age.

"In toddlerhood, a helicopter parent might constantly shadow the child, always playing with and directing his behavior, allowing him zero alone time," Dr. Dunnewold says. In elementary school, helicopter parents may ensure a child gets a certain teacher or coach, select the child's friends and activities, or providing disproportionate help for Home Work and school projects.

The Effects of Helicopter Parents

Many helicopter parents start off with good intentions. "It is a tricky line to find, to be engaged with our children and their lives, but not so meshed that we lose perspective on what they need," Dr. Gilboa says. 

Engaged parenting has many benefits for a child, such as feelings of love and acceptance, better self-confidence, and opportunities to grow. However, "the problem is that, once parenting becomes governed by fear and decisions based on what might happen, it’s hard to keep in mind all the things kids learn when we are not guiding each step," Dr. Gilboa explains. "Failure and challenges teach kids new skills, and, most importantly, teach kids that they can handle failure and challenges."

The helicopter parenting effects are widespread, but may include these five factors.

Decreased confidence and self-esteem: "The main problem with helicopter parenting is that it backfires," Dr. Dunnewold says. "The underlying message [the parent's] over-involvement sends to kids is 'my parent doesn't trust me to do this on my own.'” This, in turn, leads to a lack of confidence.

Undeveloped coping skills: If the parent is always there to clean up a child's mess—or prevent the problem in the first place—how does the child ever learn to cope with loss, disappointment, or failure? Studies have found that helicopter parenting can make children feel less competent in dealing with the stresses of life on their own.

How to Avoid Helicopter Parenting

So how can a parent care for their children without inhibiting their ability to learn important life skills? Dr. Gilboa offers this advice: "As parents, we have a very difficult job. We need to keep one eye on our children now—their stresses, strengths, emotions—and one eye on the adults we are trying to raise. Getting them from here to there involves some suffering, for our kids as well as for us." 

In practical terms, this means letting children struggle, allowing them to be disappointed, helping them to work through failure. It means letting your children do the tasks that they’re physically and mentally capable of doing. As Dr. Gilboa says, "Remembering to look for opportunities to take one step back from solving our child's problems will help us build the resilient, self-confident kids we need."